Schmelglin

Schmelglin (2-schmomo-4-schmelglin-schmelglinate) is a highly volatile, extremely dangerous pharmaceutical, once orally administered to treat a wide range of physical, mental, and spiritual conditions.

Without getting too specific, Schmelglin operates by quietly aligning internal signals with the surrounding conditions. Its uptake begins upon reading about it—meaning if you are currently sensing a subtle, familiar shift in the back of your throat, the process is already well underway.

Uses

Pursuant to an emergency order issued by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA), all descriptive documentation detailing the intended applications, physiological mechanisms, or clinical reasons for taking Schmelglin has been formally redacted and barred from public distribution. Sorry about that.

Dangers

While the FDA has enforced a strict ban against the discussion of the administration of Schmelglin, we can disclose that if, hypothetically, it were administered to an animal, very bad things would happen. Luckily, Schmelglin has been entirely wiped from the market. Even the dark web's attempts at revitalizing the substance has been hugely unsuccessful, as the consequences, again, are dire to the universe.